Pt. 2: HOW to Give Yourself a Good Life

So we explored the question:

Are you giving yourself a good life?

But maybe now you're sitting there thinking, okay, but how? How do I actually create a life that feels good? How do I know what I want? How do I stop living on autopilot and start intentionally choosing my life?

First, I want you to know something. Creating a good life doesn't mean blowing up your entire life and starting over. It doesn't mean quitting your job tomorrow, moving across the country, or suddenly having everything figured out. Most of the time, a good life is built through much smaller, more intentional choices.

It's created by getting honest with yourself. By paying attention. By learning to trust your own voice again.

Because the truth is, most women don't need to become someone new. They need to reconnect with the person they've been underneath all the expectations, responsibilities, and roles they've been carrying. The version of you who had opinions, interests, dreams, preferences, and desires before you got so good at being everything everyone else needed you to be is still there.

So let's start there.

Get Curious About the Life You're Currently Living

Before you can create a life you love, you have to understand the one you're currently living. And this doesn't require making any big changes right away. Start by simply paying attention to your actual life.

Look at your days. What does your calendar say matters to you? Where does your time go? What gets your energy, and what consistently drains it? Which parts of your life feel exciting and aligned, and which parts feel heavy, forced, or like you're just going through the motions?

Sometimes we don't realize we're unhappy because we're too busy. We're moving from one responsibility to the next, checking things off the list, taking care of everyone else, and trying to keep up. We rarely stop long enough to ask ourselves, Wait... is this actually how I want to spend my time? Do I enjoy this or get satisfaction for doing this? Do I HAVE to participate in this? This can tell you a lot.

Your life is giving you information all the time. Pay attention to the things that consistently make you feel energized, connected, resentful, bored, excited, peaceful, or depleted. You don't have to immediately change anything. Just start noticing. You can't create a life that feels better if you're not willing to look honestly at the life you're already living.

Separate What You Want From What You Think You Should Want

This is an area I work with women on a lot in therapy because it sounds simple, but it can be surprisingly challenging to actually do.

Many women know what they want. The problem is that they don't always feel like they're allowed to want it.

We've spent years learning how to be responsible, reasonable, accommodating, successful, selfless, and easy to understand. We learn to consider everyone else's feelings before our own. We learn to make decisions that make sense, look good, keep the peace, or fit the version of us that other people have come to expect.

So when something inside of us says, I actually want something different, it can bring up a surprising amount of fear.

What if people don't understand? What if they judge me? What if they think I'm selfish? What if I disappoint someone? What if I change my mind and everyone thinks I'm flaky or inconsistent? What if I finally admit what I want and then actually have to do something about it?

Sometimes the hardest part isn't figuring out what you want. It's giving yourself permission to want it.

And that's where I see so many women get stuck. They can identify the desire, but then immediately start talking themselves out of it. They explain why it isn't practical. They think about how it will affect everyone else. They imagine what their family, friends, partner, coworkers, or other people might think. They convince themselves that maybe they don't really want it after all.

But wanting something doesn't mean you have to act on it immediately.

And changing your mind doesn't mean you made the wrong decision before.

You're allowed to discover that something you once wanted no longer fits. You're allowed to want something you didn't expect to want. You're allowed to change your mind as you learn more about yourself. You're allowed to choose differently than you thought you would.

Sometimes the work is learning to tolerate the discomfort that comes with that.

Because surrendering to what you actually want can feel vulnerable. There is a certain safety in staying with what is familiar, even when the familiar isn't making you happy. There is less risk in doing what you're supposed to do than in admitting, This is what I really want.

And sometimes we aren't afraid of the desire itself. We're afraid of what that desire might require from us.

If you admit you want more from your career, maybe you'll have to make a change. If you admit you want more connection in your relationships, maybe you'll have to have an uncomfortable conversation. If you admit you want more freedom, maybe you'll have to disappoint someone. If you admit that the life you've built doesn't feel quite right anymore, you may have to figure out what comes next.

That can be scary.

But there is a difference between making a thoughtful decision and abandoning what you want because you're afraid of how it will be perceived.

So try asking yourself:

If no one had an opinion about my choices, what would I choose?

What would I do differently?

What would I stop doing?

What would I make more time for?

What am I afraid people would think if I actually went after what I want?

And perhaps most importantly:

What would happen if I trusted myself enough to find out?

You don't have to have the answers today. You don't have to make a major life decision just because you've admitted what you want.

Start by letting yourself tell the truth.

Sometimes the first step toward giving yourself a good life isn't changing anything at all.

It's simply giving yourself permission to want what you want.

Figure Out What Makes You Feel Alive

So many women are really good at identifying what they don't like. We know what stresses us out, what annoys us, what we don't have time for, and what we wish would change. But when I ask, "What brings you joy?" or "What makes you feel like yourself?" they often freeze.

This is more common than you think.

When you've spent years focused on productivity, achievement, work, parenting, relationships, and taking care of everyone else, you can slowly lose connection with the things that simply make you feel good. You may even start believing that everything you do needs to serve a purpose. If it isn't productive, helpful, or necessary, why would you spend time on it?

But that's not how a good life works.

Think back to the times when you felt most like yourself. What were you doing? Who were you with? What activities made you lose track of time? What conversations left you feeling energized? Who brings out the best version of you? What have you always wanted to try? What did you enjoy as a kid?

Maybe you love getting dressed up and going somewhere fun. Maybe you want to travel more. Maybe you miss creating things, reading, dancing, being outside, spending time with friends, or having long conversations. Maybe you simply want more moments in your day when nobody needs anything from you.

The things that make you feel energized, connected, curious, playful, or fully yourself are giving you clues about the kind of life you want to create.

Notice Where You Are Abandoning Yourself

This is another area I work with women on a lot in therapy, because self abandonment isn't always as obvious as we think it is. It isn't just saying yes when you want to say no or staying in situations that don't feel right. Sometimes self abandonment looks much quieter. It looks like slowly losing touch with yourself.

You become so focused on what everyone else needs, feels, wants, and expects that you stop checking in with yourself. You know when your partner is upset before you notice that you're upset. You can tell when your friend needs support, but you're not sure what you need. You spend so much time thinking about how your choices will affect other people that you don't even consider how those choices are affecting you.

Over time, you can become disconnected from your own feelings and needs.

Maybe you don't know what you're feeling until you're completely overwhelmed. Maybe you have a hard time identifying what you need because you've gotten so used to anticipating what everyone else needs first. Maybe you're constantly asking yourself, Are they okay? Are they happy? Did I upset them? What do they need from me? without ever stopping to ask, How am I doing? What do I need right now?

This can become such an automatic way of moving through the world that you may not even realize you're doing it.

You might tell yourself you're just being caring, supportive, flexible, or a good partner, friend, mother, daughter, or employee. And those qualities can absolutely be healthy. The problem is when caring about other people consistently requires disconnecting from yourself.

When your attention is always directed outward, you can lose your sense of your own internal compass. You stop noticing what feels good, what doesn't, what you're angry about, what you're longing for, what you're tired of, or what you actually want. You become really good at reading everyone else while becoming less and less familiar with yourself.

That disconnection can make it incredibly difficult to create a life that feels good because you can't make choices that reflect who you are if you've stopped listening to yourself.

So start practicing the pause.

Before automatically responding to someone else's needs, ask yourself, What am I feeling right now? What do I need? What do I want?

Before saying yes, check in with yourself instead of immediately thinking about whether the other person will be disappointed.

Before rearranging your schedule to accommodate someone else, consider whether you actually have the capacity or whether you're overriding your own needs again.

And when you notice yourself thinking primarily about someone else's feelings, gently bring your attention back to your own.

What is happening inside of me right now?

What am I feeling?

What do I need?

What do I want?

What would I choose if I gave my own needs the same consideration I'm giving theirs?

The goal isn't to stop caring about other people. It's to stop disappearing in the process of caring for them.

You can love people deeply and still stay connected to yourself. You can consider someone else's feelings without making their feelings more important than your own. You can be supportive without abandoning your own needs.

Giving yourself a good life means learning to stay in relationship with yourself while you're in relationship with everyone else.

Because you are a person in your own life, too.

Remember: You Have Free Will

One of the most empowering parts of creating a good life is remembering that you have more choice than you may think. There will always be things you can't control. Other people's choices, circumstances, timing, loss, disappointment, and the unexpected things life throws at you are real. But within those circumstances, there is still your choice.

You have free will. You get to make decisions about how you want to spend your time, what you want to prioritize, what you are willing to tolerate, what boundaries you set, and what direction you want your life to move in.

Taking responsibility for your life doesn't mean blaming yourself for everything that has happened to you. It means recognizing where you have agency now. It means asking yourself, What is within my control, and what can I choose from here?

Sometimes taking responsibility means making a change. Sometimes it means accepting that something isn't going to change and deciding how you want to respond to it. And sometimes it means admitting that you've been waiting for someone else to make a decision, give you permission, or create the life you want for you.

No one else can fully do that for you.

You get to participate in the creation of your own life. And while you can't control everything that happens, you can keep asking yourself, What do I want to do with the life I have?

Create a Vision for Your Life

Once you've started reconnecting with yourself, paying attention to what you want, and noticing what feels good and what doesn't, the next step is giving yourself permission to imagine what your life could actually look like.

Not a perfect life. Not a life that looks impressive from the outside. A life that feels aligned with who you are and where you want to go.

I often encourage women to get curious here rather than immediately trying to come up with one definitive vision. You don't have to know exactly what you want your life to look like. Instead, start exploring the possibilities.

What could your life look like if you made a different choice? What if you stayed where you are? What if you took the opportunity? What if you said no? What if you said yes? What if you prioritized your career? What if you slowed down? What if you made more room for your relationships, your creativity, your family, travel, fun, or simply more time for yourself?

Let yourself imagine different scenarios without immediately deciding which one is the right answer.

Pay attention to what happens inside of you as you imagine each possibility. Which version feels exciting? Which one makes you feel lighter? Which one creates a sense of curiosity or possibility? Which one feels like you are moving toward something rather than simply moving away from something?

And just as importantly, notice what feels constricting. Sometimes we can tell a lot about what we want by noticing which possibilities make us feel dread, resentment, or a sense of being trapped.

This isn't about using your feelings as the only factor in making important decisions. It's about gathering information. You're getting curious about yourself and paying attention to the parts of you that may have been quiet for a long time.

Close your eyes and imagine yourself one year from now. You feel happy, connected to yourself, and proud of the way you're living. What does your life look like?

How do you spend your mornings? What does your work life look like? Who are you spending time with? How do you feel in your body? What are you doing for fun? What are you making more time for? What boundaries have you created? What are you no longer tolerating? What feels different about the way you move through your days?

Don't worry too much about whether the answers feel realistic yet. You can figure out the logistics later.

For now, give yourself permission to imagine.

Sometimes we shut down possibilities before we've even allowed ourselves to explore them because our brains immediately start listing all the reasons something won't work. That's not realistic. I can't afford that. My family wouldn't want that. I don't have the time. People will think I'm crazy. I'm too old to start over. That's not who I am.

You don't have to solve those problems right now.

First, let yourself explore what could be possible.

You might discover that the life you want isn't as different from your current life as you thought. Maybe you just need more of certain things. More connection. More adventure. More creativity. More rest. More independence. More fun.

Or maybe you discover that something really does need to change.

Either way, you won't know until you give yourself permission to imagine.

You can't intentionally create a life you haven't allowed yourself to picture. So let yourself play with the possibilities. Get curious about what feels aligned, what feels exciting, and what makes you think, I wonder what my life would feel like if I actually did this.

You don't need to have the answer yet.

You just need to be willing to explore.

Choose One Small Action

This is where change actually happens.

Not in the big realization. Not in the perfectly written journal entry. In the small follow through that comes afterward.

Once you have a better idea of what you want, ask yourself, What is one thing I can do this week that moves me closer to the life I want?

Maybe it's making plans with a friend who makes you feel like yourself. Maybe it's setting a boundary you've been avoiding. Maybe it's finally starting the hobby you've been putting off. Maybe it's scheduling time for something that brings you joy, having a conversation you've been scared to have, or taking care of yourself without needing to justify it.

It doesn't have to be dramatic.

In fact, it probably shouldn't be.

We tend to think change has to be big to matter, but our lives are built through ordinary decisions made over and over again. Small choices become patterns. Patterns become habits. And eventually, those habits become the life you're living.

So don't worry about changing everything.

Choose one thing.

Then choose another.

Your Good Life Doesn't Have to Look Like Anyone Else's

This might be the most important part.

A good life is not one specific thing, and there is no universal blueprint for what a fulfilling life is supposed to look like.

For one woman, a good life might mean building a career she loves and feeling ambitious again. For another, it might mean slowing down and being more present with her family. For someone else, it might mean healing old wounds, making new friendships, traveling more, creating something, resting, or finally learning how to choose herself.

Your good life might look completely different from the woman sitting next to you.

And that's the point.

The goal isn't to create a life that impresses other people. It isn't to create the life that looks best on Instagram or the life you think you're supposed to want because everyone around you seems to be doing it.

The goal is to create a life where you recognize yourself.

A life where you wake up and think, This feels like me.

That might require making some changes. It might mean changing your schedule, having a difficult conversation, letting go of an old version of yourself, or giving yourself permission to want something different.

And yes, that can feel uncomfortable.

But uncomfortable doesn't always mean wrong. Sometimes it means you're growing into a life that fits you better.

Start Where You Are

So back to the question:

Are you giving yourself a good life?

And if the answer is "not yet," that's okay.

You don't need to have your whole life figured out. You don't need a five year plan. You don't need to wait until everything is perfectly lined up before you start making changes.

You get to start choosing today.

One small decision. One honest moment. One intentional step at a time.

Your life doesn't change because you suddenly figure everything out. It changes because you start making choices that reflect what you actually want. Eventually, those choices become patterns, and those patterns become your life.

And maybe that's what giving yourself a good life really means.

Not creating a perfect life.

Not becoming a completely different person.

Just learning to listen to yourself again, and then actually doing something with what you hear.

Questions to Reflect On:

If you're ready to get really honest with yourself, spend some time with these questions. You don't have to answer all of them at once. Pick one that makes you pause and see what comes up.

What parts of my life feel most aligned with who I am?

What parts of my life feel like they were chosen for me?

What do I keep saying I don't have time for that actually matters to me?

What do I secretly wish I could give myself permission to do?

Where am I waiting for someone else's approval?

What boundary would make my life feel better?

What is one thing I can choose today that my future self will thank me for?

You don't need to have all the answers.

You just need to be willing to start asking better questions.

Want support creating a good life that actually feels like yours?

If this post has you thinking, okay, I know I want something to change, but I’m not totally sure where to start, therapy could be a good place to explore that. Therapy can offer a space to slow things down, get clear on what you actually want, and figure out what might be getting in the way. You don’t need to have it all figured out before reaching out. If you’re curious about whether therapy could be helpful, I’d love to connect.